Someday

Photo by Billy Huynh on Unsplash
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Of Crippling Fear and Becoming a Published Author

Fear is a language everybody speaks. It lingers like a silent whisper in the middle of the night that keeps you awake until daybreak. It awaits in ambush for your vulnerable moments, and hunts you down whenever the chance for first strike arrives. My whole life—I’ve been afraid of so many frivolous things that it starts inhibiting my movement. Like a horse ready to gallop, but weighed down by the emotional wagon it has to pull around.

crippling fear
Photo by Melanie Wasser on Unsplash
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Toxic Expectations

The funny thing about expectation is, for me, the fact that it swells and expands with time. Take one relationship you have with a friend, for example. I’d bet all my money that you didn’t start off as close as you might currently are.

toxic environment
Photo by Zoltan Tasi on Unsplash

Like everyone else, you must have started as total strangers, then you gradually become closer. Notice that the expectation you have towards them also grows, almost hand in hand, with the maturity of the relationship.

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Deconstructing “Strength”

“How do you manage to keep on doing this?” one of my team member in the office asked me, right after my boss gave me a stern warning for not delivering the targeted completion date of my project. “Why aren’t you more upset? How could you be so strong?”

I remember I just stared at her, not knowing how to answer the question. It would be a lie to say that I wasn’t upset at all. It was my project, after all. And if I took the warning lightly, I could risk my professional credibility as a project manager. So it wasn’t like I was fooling around, either.

But what my team member said had some truth. Despite being upset, I never did show it to everyone. Despite being torn apart by the warning, I kept on managing the project like it was just another day—as if I never screwed up.

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Hospitalized

Being hospitalized is not fun.

I never liked being punctured with needles all over, and I certainly don’t appreciate having to lay down all day to “rest”. Sometimes I feel my condition worsen just by staying in a hospital for too long.

Hospitalized

However, I just spent this week being hospitalized.

This should explain why I was super late at posting the writing prompt results from last Saturday, and my lack of updates through any of my social media (Twitter, Instagram). And if you guys haven’t guessed it, this is also the reason why this week’s blog post is arbitrarily more raw and unpolished.

For that, I apologize.

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