SUPERFICIAL

BEHIND THE GLAMS

 

I remember you said that you liked the decorative pins on my hair.

You told me I looked beautiful in that teal colored one-piece dress,
and that putting on makeup made me much more vibrant; much more alive.

I remember taking off the decorative pins,
tearing away the dress,
wiped off the makeup, and stared directly into your eyes.

“How do you love me now?” I asked.

You stammered, trying to find the words you lost.

Maybe that’s why we couldn’t work it out together. It’s not because we didn’t love each other enough, or because one of us wasn’t trying enough.

Maybe it’s just because you never looked at the real me properly.

Behind the decorative pins on my hair, the beautiful teal colored one-piece dress, and the vibrant makeup, I was just an awkward girl, trying her hardest to be just enough for everyone.

“Do you still love me now?” I remember repeating the question.

 

 


 

Alicia Lidwina 2017

Observing Serendipity

somber sky bleak graduation
Source: crooked-yet on deviantart

When the last of the raindrops smothered the wailing earth that day, he thought everything had been lost. No, not in a bad way. In fact, he was content. There was no better day to celebrate—yes, he decided to celebrate it rather than grieve over it—his loss than today. After all, he had come all this way, and thinking back, he had lost too many things to even count with his mind.

It just happened that the rain stopped right when he finished attending that stupid ceremony.
The man lifted his umbrella, deciding to fold it after three mere seconds of contemplating. His brand new Adidas sneakers was soaking wet right now, completely bereft of any sign that it was bought just the day before.

With a deadpanned sigh, he reached his pocket for his wallet, of which he pulled out a handful of cash from. He just needed to secure his trip expenses before actually entering any sort of public transportation. It just made him feel safer, something like a precaution for unwanted incidents. He had never experienced that, but he had seen people did. He sure hoped he wouldn’t.

As a matter of fact, he admitted that everyone else would be celebrating as well. Note that this meant his colleagues, his lecturers, and his parents. Perhaps even his cat back home—you did not graduate from a well known university every day, or so they said. Admittedly, he should be feeling rather happy. But even though he said to himself over and over that he were actually celebrating his graduation, somewhere in his heart he could just never overlook all the things he had lost.

For example, his youth.

Or, the last daily grind in his life that he could actually tolerate.

To put it simply, the past.

He wanted to check his cellphone for messages; missed calls—anything. He wanted to take the bus all the way to the last stop and walk straight home. He needed his daily dose of caffeine so bad he could turn crazy from it. But he knew he couldn’t, which is why he kept his cellphone tucked securely in his bag. He had no need for something that could waver his conviction (funny way to say it, but he decided a more majestic definition would keep him in a higher spirit rather than some crappy substitute like ‘determination’ or ‘resolve’).

The sky was solemn grey, with no strings of silver linings or even a resilient ray of sunshine. Even though the rain had subsided, the world’s ceiling was still ominous. Looking at the weather, one could expect another burst of rain falling down anytime. He regretted his decision to wear his brand new sneakers for this ‘special’ day very, very deeply.

He closed his eyes for a mere second.

Now what?

He entered the university. He studied. He graduated—now what?

Oh, of course.

He sighed again, and made a mental note to buy instant noodles on his way home. He didn’t think about his health, or even the dismal nutritional value of the food—he just felt like it. If he was really going to celebrate his loss, he ought to do it with something special. In this case, he thought celebrating by destroying his body would be appropriate. But he dismissed the thought several minutes later, deciding that he just wanted a full bowl of instant noodle broth to keep his body warm in this temperature.

Third sigh. And he noticed he was approaching his destination.

He wanted to go home.

He wanted to sneak behind his stack of pillows, and bury himself in a big warm blanket, but he knew he just had this coming when he accepted the offer.

The bus eventually stopped, and he dragged his feet, rolling his eyes when he caught a glimpse of his Adidas down there, and gave the cash he held to the driver.

He had arrived.

Still in the middle of collecting his mind, he stood still and took yet another sigh. There went his last shards of youth. There was no other choice. The celebration would have to wait until he got back home.

Another sigh.

He had no idea why this company would want someone like him.