Lately, I feel like life has been throwing me with rocks.
Not the literal kind, of course. I meant figurative rocks, which has been causing me a great deal of stress.
For example, I’ve just recently started working at a new job, and the sheer amount of things that I have to learn stunned me. Sure, I applied for a similar position as my previous job, but there’s still a lot to know about this new company; new faces to recognize, new names to remember, and new reports to make.
My writing mojo isn’t exactly at its best, either. I mean, if you’re following me on Twitter, you might know that I’ve just recently utilized my holidays to draft a brand new novel. And while I did finish the manuscript in 7 days, I can’t say that I quite like how it turned out.
And of course, to add more flair to this, I’ve got personal relationships issues to worry about: toxic family members, friends I don’t really enjoy hanging around with anymore, and a pretty much non-existent love life to talk about.
Having a lot of things on my plate didn’t make me stop trying, though. I did whatever I could to quickly adapt in my new workplace, and I’ve also sent my manuscript to my beta readers to gather feedbacks. And while it also pained me to do it, I’ve also cut off toxic relationships that don’t bring me joy anymore.
However, at the end of each day, I would lay on my bed, stare at the ceiling, and sigh. I would try to remember the meaningful things that I’ve done, and I would let out another sigh when I realized I couldn’t remember the last time I truly felt something.
You know, the last time I felt happy, or sad, or broken. For the past couple of months, I feel like I’ve been trapped in a wayward tunnel with no exit—and I’ve been stuck doing the same thing, feeling the same thing, over and over again that this twinge of emptiness started to tug at me.
It was during times like these when I finally started thinking about what is there to look forward to in life. You know, what would I be happy about—what would make me sad; what would move my heart. This is probably the reason why I also started investing in more skin care products, going out on artist dates alone, and even pampering myself with spa. Everything was but an attempt to make myself feel good about myself.
And did it work?
Yes—at least for a moment.
But at the end of each day, like I mentioned, I would return to the same place, pondering what had gone wrong.
Even as I am writing this, I still don’t know why I feel this way. I just feel like I’m currently in a standstill; and I’m waiting for something to move for me. For the winds to blow; for the oceans to rise, and for the sky to fall. Anything—be it a heartbreak, a strike of inspiration, a newfound romance, or even a faulty friendship.
Anything that could break me off this numbness and make me feel alive again.
So maybe, I thought. Maybe being alive doesn’t really have anything to do with securing a well-paying job, or finishing your newest manuscript—or whatever project you’re working on. Because I’ve achieved those things in life, and still mine doesn’t feel complete. Life has always been, and will always be larger than that.
I still don’t know the reason why I feel so empty, and I suspect that I would never truly understand. But I also feel like it’s okay to feel lost sometimes. It’s okay to feel hurt, sad, hopeless, or even numb. It’s okay to worry about the future, or worry about things from the past. Regardless—these are the emotions that define you as humans; for otherwise you would forever be stuck in the illusion of complacency, even though there is still so much for you to see.
And if you have ever been in the same boat as me, I know how hard it feels. As a matter of fact, this inexplicable feeling of numbness and insecurity were the reason why I wrote this blog post in the first place.
I would be lying if I told you that I have got everything figured out, because I haven’t. But I also know that there is really nothing else I could do aside from acknowledging this emotion, and carry it with me as I traverse through life. There is no other way to live life, than to live it out like only you can.
So I guess, bring it on.
For now, I would try to live another day. And I hope you would, too.
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Alicia Lidwina 